Knowing Why

love my little guys

2012-02-10T10:56:00.000-08:00

it's true, some days i can't stand them.
on those days, my wish is that they would disappear
that the burden of having to care for them would be removed
or their voice boxes removed...

but those moments pass.

especially when they fight to snuggle me when not feeling well
how easily playful they get at the slightest provocation
the looks of adoration they constantly give
how eager they are to please and be close

Great Finds...

2012-02-09T19:34:00.000-08:00

An unusual number of deocrative secret-storage boxes

Crazy decorative paperweights to make you think maybe you are on drugs.

Birdie-box thing-keepers...

and leather-bound photo keepers...

Decorative art to remind you to bring a little brightness into the day...

And finally... the wonderful array of pillows.

Only this one came home to "live" with us:

glimmer

2012-02-09T10:23:00.000-08:00

upon waking this morning there was a glimmer of something better.
not a burst or a turn or a surge
but a slight glimmer, a gentle shimmer, a glow rising on the horizon
that has given a great start to the day
and i will venture out
on my own.
... we'll see!

the dogs reek. i mean, super-stink.
one has been sick, and he must have got it on his fur.
now the whole house smells and i have't the energy to bathe him.
if i'm expected to remain in this space for the next few days, then the dogs will get washed
and why not groomed while we're at it
let someone else do the work :D

this has also become an errand day, what with the glimmer peeking through and all.
letters will be composed and mailed.
gifts will be sent to brighten a few days.
a little something special for my Goddaughter in preparation for Lent
some crafty attempts
and why not get back to the book? eventually...

my mother's birthday is in a month.
last year i surprised her with a special visit - we had a great time, just the two of us.
wish i could do that every year on her birthday.
spa. tea. laugh. eat. play.

this year it will be a surprise visit to a friend on the prairies.
she already knows, but it was a surprise when i told her.

To drop one's jaw and wonder

2012-02-08T12:25:00.000-08:00

It was stunning.
Unexpectedly so.
There was nothing flashy or hollywood or dramatic or even particularly catching about it.
Aside from the subtle beauty.
The honesty.

There are points, to be sure, which would not uphold a sustaining life philosophy.
But in light of what was going on, it made sense.

Not Myself

2012-02-08T09:43:00.001-08:00

These days, I am not myself.
Apparently that's normal.
It was to be expected.
We received the lists, and they have not failed.

All the same, it is frustrating.
Being restricted.
Limited.
Contained.
Hampered by the uncertainty that my body can't be trusted;
Having become a little too temperamental.
Unpredictable.
Oversensitive.

It reminds me of a year ago, when I was in a similar position. Equally frustrated and tired of these same four walls, the same butter-yellow paint in every room, the same lack of natural light, the same desire to be OUT and DOING.

But it's working, and that's what is important.
It's working, and when it's over, I can finally close the door with a firm hand
and be done with that chapter.
Maybe then I can start to believe in the real possibility of redemption, restoration.
It's been so difficult to trust the teaching - see its truth.

Can hardly wait to start over.
Begin Fresh.
Have Spring dawn in my heart.

Season's will change in due course... I must be patient...
For now, I must bear faithfully through this winter.

Lord have Mercy.
Thank you for your prayers.

Abundance of Books

2012-02-07T09:52:00.000-08:00

Starting Book 6 for 2012: The Violent Bear it Away / Flannery O'Connor

It is preceded by:
- Hard Times / Charles Dickens (admittedly, I only got about 40% through before boredome set in)
- Secret Daughter / Shilpi Somaya Gowda
- The Weight of Silence / Heather Gudenkauf
- Tenth Circle / Jodi Picoult
- A Thousand Splendid Suns / Khaled Hosseini

This has been a productive year for reading so far and Ms. O'Connor may be the last before Lent, at which point the reading flavour will take a more developmental course.

It is amazing what books can bring you, show you, teach you, challenge in you - especially when you least expect it. These books have taken me all over the place from England to India, California to Alaska, Afghanistan to Pakistan - all very different worlds. Many of these worlds I have never seen, only read about. Some I will never see, but for how they are imagined from these books.

Am glad that an eReader was not purchased. The weight of a paperback in one's hand, the tell-tale marks of it having visited the dinner table, the bath, work, and everywhere in between are somewhat endearing. There is little worry when soup spills on it or if it gets dropped, kicked, tossed, stepped on. Not to mention, it is one less electronic device to stare at.

Vive le book!

Smile. Break your face if you have to.

2012-02-06T10:23:00.002-08:00

universality from retainer media on Vimeo.

Julie Andrews, ringing in my ear.

2012-02-06T10:20:00.000-08:00

Today's challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to produce a list of things that make you happy. It immediately brings to mind Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music, when she's singing to the children who are afraid of the thunderstorm.

It also reminds me of sister Maria running around the open fields in the Alps, singing her heart out, "The hills are alive with the sound of music.... with songs they have sung for a million years".

Something like that ^ would definitely bring a smile... would be heart gladdening. It would be fun and freeing and bursting with life. But it wouldn't make me happy every day. For a moment perhaps... and maybe to do again sometime... definitely not every day.

There is something in me that is wary of clinging to 'happiness'. Likely, it is the rationale that happiness is fading, it is fickle, it is wanting, and ultimately it is not sustaining. Doesn't mean you rid yourself of happiness or things that bring gladness to your heart, but grasping after happiness does not seem fulfilling to me, probably because as much as I always yearn for it to fill the empty spaces that fill my soul, it never does. It only casts a thin blanket over them.

What I must and need to strive for is a sustaining joy, a pervasive belief system, that will weave itself into the fabric of my being so that, no matter whether I am happy or sad or giddy or miserable in a particular moment, there is that surety holding me together and will not let me fail. Perhaps this will help inspire seeing more beauty and wonderful things, which may also produce a feeling of happiness, but the happiness should not be the end in itself, it should only be a product of something greater.

So, to answer the question: What makes me happy?

Bright Blue skies.... because they remind me of purity, of cleansing, of breath
Snow falling .... because it reminds me of forgiveness, and starting fresh
Spring buds .... because they remind me of new life, second chances, restoration
Green vegetation ... because it reminds me of the vibrancy of life
Water, be it streams or lakes or puddles or oceans or seas ... because it reminds me of freshness, washing clean
Playing with children ... because it reminds me of innocence and how precious that is
Baking treats ... because it reminds me of sweet times shared with loved ones
Seeing new places ... because it awakens wonder and a healthy curiosity
Taking in a new perspective ... because it reminds me that there is always another way of looking at things
Dinner parties ... because it means getting together with people who are special and sharing in life with them
Taking photos ... because it reminds me to always be looking beyond what is plain to see to find life
Laughing ... because it is a letting go, being vulnerable and open
Singing .... because of how it puts voice to strength, and is itself like living
Dancing .... because it pulls rhythm out of the air and turns it into motion, like celebrating with your body
Silence and Stillness .... because it reminds me that every once in a while, I need to stop and close my eyes before I can begin to really see

And then there are all the little things.... sun bursts, people smiling at one another, kiosks of flowers, when people work together, babies bundled up, cooing, sun-kissed snow mounds that sparkle like diamonds, old book stores, stories, trinkets, hand-made goods, farms, the Amish, family dinners, turkey, cool breezes in the summer, mountains, cathedrals, England's countryside, little flowers, daisies growing on the side of the highway, wide open spaces, the first daffodils, autumn, Christmas trees, German food, mini chocolates, bowls of M&M's, colour, children giggling, men giggling, men who hug other men (really, it's a wonderful thing to witness!), learning, sharing knowledge, having a great idea, bringing life to a great idea, helping someone out, little bows, paddle boats, picnics, walking through the forest, quiet, home.

Some of you may notice I seem to have left out some pretty major things, like Liturgy, daily prayers, spiritual development, reading literature to inspire the soul to greatness, the Eucharist, Pascha, pre-sanctified Liturgy. But these don't make me 'happy'. They belong in a category all their own: they are the sustenance, the foundation on which all the above 'happies' are built. Without these things, those would be a little emptier than they are, and I would cling to them more.

An interesting reflection today.... some might not appreciate this perspective, or say it downplays the pursuit of a positive attitude. In truth, though, I am only looking for a different source to fill and inspire more than just a positive attitude, rather an entire way of life that is thankful, joyful, full of gratitude, love and generosity. A way of being that goes beyond effort and becomes part of my natural being.

Story Board... first attempt

2012-02-03T19:51:00.000-08:00

Thankful.
Truly and deeply.
For this day....
For the sun....
For laughter at work....
For "date night"....

We often have date night on Friday's, it's just how we end the week. Normally it involves doing something other than being at home, and more often than not will be a movie. Not really my idea of rousing up the schedule, but it's something different and serves its purpose.

Today, however, my husband was kind enough to indulge in my need to be in the world and drink in some of the rarely-seen sunshine that was laying claim to the sky. As a joke, last week, I said to him, "Hunny, it is my purpose in life to bring adventure to yours!"

We drove into Vancouver for an early dinner and to enjoy a part of town that is not familiar to either of us. Though he grew up in the area, it has changed so much that it's almost like a rediscovery for him too. We are beginning a trek across the region to find the best hamburger, and then we are going to document (with photography and write-ups) our experiences. Why not, right? Today was trial-run #2. We will have another trial run in a few weeks (before the fast begins) and then brainstorm how to really kick this off in style.

Part of it, though, would be a perfect addition into my 365+1 project directed at filling each day with the intent to LIVE or bring life to the everyday.

So to begin, and in conjunction with the Beyond Layers prompt this week to build a photographic storyboard of a day, event, moment, memory - whatever! - I give you a Night On the Town:

And yes, the lobster was significant for many reasons, the two primary being: he was encased in such a brilliantly colourful tank and himself was the most colourful of the bunch, in addition to the fact that he almost seemed to be watching the passers-by, being the only one to face the window. Why focus on the fate to which you are destined (death and destruction) when you can participate in and enjoy the life going on around you!

We should have bought him and kept him as a pet.

His name would be Albert.

The burger, by the way, was ok. I'd give it a 6.5/10 on the Halliscale (that's our home-made scale). Messy, no distinct flavours - everything kind of blended together - soggy bun where the juices were and crumbly everywhere else, and you had to keep chasing the meat around the bun. On the other hand, portion was great for the price, meat was fresh and full and juicy, toppings were ok, variety good.

Dance

2012-01-24T18:43:00.002-08:00

Love this song.

Had I more energy, I definitely would have.

What would inspire YOU to dance today? What is holding you back?

6 Word Memoires

2012-01-23T13:59:00.001-08:00

What a concept.
6 words to sum it up.
Hmm.
I have participated in seminars that encourage you to find one word that expresses you best.
Monkey, is always the best.
Monkeys are mischievous, intelligent, playful, wary, and incredibly energetic.
When the word has to be an adjective, lively is chosen, for everthing within is taken up with much vigor and energy.

But today we are challenged to 6.
A phrase.
A repetition.
A statement.
6 combined words to speak of one being.
Six.
Hmmm.

An initial attempt is posted below; it is a common theme - nothing more than to go back. Back to another time, another place, another age, another environment, another state of being, another social atmosphere.

It is somewhat damaging and prevents me, at times, from moving forward and being present - accepting what is here and now, allowing today to have its own share of fulfillment. After all, those times back when were once here and now, were they not.

Did I enjoy them as much as I needed to? Or am I longing for them now because I wasted the precious gift they were at the time? Hard to say.

As for these 6 words, they are haunting. When I look at myself it is a stretch between a critical view and a hopeful view. The real me hangs somewhere in the middle.

I am both everything and nothing.

There is a statement of being. It is honest and true. It is not demeaning but balanced. We must accept that we are both amazing and terrible, or we will always be deluded. Not that we always embrace either the amazing or the terrible part of us, but that we are capable of being both.

Fantasy holds reality suspended in time.

My dreams, on which I refuse to take action, keep me from breaking out of this grey gloom that has been allowed to settle itself. Not to mention, fantasy lives outside the realm of reality - it simply is not. Often it is an escape from reality - breaking away from what is right in front of us, demanding attention. The more I submit myself to fantasy, to an existence that is not present, the more I am lost to what is before me and become disconnected from it.

Reaching a tentative hand towards You

Indicative of my efforts to hold on to a faith that both amazes and frightens me. The sacrifices demanded are no greater than the blessings that accompany it, and yet there is always this uncertainty, a fear that I will be torn to shreds. In fact, I will be - but gently and in love. Only to be remade into something more solid. At this point, the desire for wholeness has not overcome the fear of the journey to get there.

There we go. An initial attempt. Maybe in 12 months I will look at these phrases differently. Perhaps the prompt to LIVE and capture that living will break through this wall which has set itself up so firmly. Every day, a chipping away and refusing to be dragged down into darkness.

Who knows.
But it's worth a start.

Nothing More than to Go Back

2012-01-23T12:56:00.003-08:00

1. 024, 2. 112, 3. DSC_0246, 4. DSC_0032 (2), 5. 290, 6. 302, 7. DSC_0691, 8. 375, 9. DSC_0362, 10. 307, 11. Shimmer, 12. DSC_0009, 13. In the courtyard14. Not available15. Not available16. Not available

Simplicity

2012-01-19T17:59:00.000-08:00

Today's Beyond Layers prompt dared us to be simple.
I have been longing for simplicity a lot the past 5 years.
Simple speaking.

Simple living.
Simple eating.
Simple. All around.

For some reason, though, simplicity & I are not well matched companions.
Variation, texture, movement, colour, contrast, puzzles, conundrums - all these bring a significant amount of delight and wonder, amusement and drive! It is almost counter intuitive to embrace simplicity since it often brings with it boredom.

What is interesting, though, is reflecting on the prompt beyond the world of photography, though very much informed by it. This image for example:

When first I pulled it up in Photoshop, the immediate reaction was "I have to put something in there to make it more." Something about all that white, positive space was making me unsettled, nervous even. I didn't like it. Not one bit.

Funny how looking at others' images which are equally simple, I fawn over them and wish I could do the same, create that solitary, warm yet bold impression which is so often the result of seeing a single item beautifully displayed and being both catching and subtle at the same time.

So this got the wheels rolling: why am I afraid of positive space in my images? which promptly rolled into Why am I afraid of positive space in my life?

There is something about negative space that is comforting. Perhaps it is the edges that defines the borders and limits of a thing; or shadows that allow you to hide flaws and fill in spaces you don't otherwise know what to do with. Like having a lot of closets and cupboards, and filling them all up with nonsense and junk.

Opening up spaces for light, though, forces you to expose the dark corners, to de-clutter and - there it is - simplify your needs, your wants, your haves and have-nots.

Letting go, in the end.

It's scary.

But then, if we don't let go of the things that keep us in the dark, we will never know the joy and freedom of living in the light - in those positive spaces. We will never be open to the opportunities that await - opportunities to love, to give, to share, to embrace, to be, to grow, to explore what lies beyond our edges.

Taking it in Strides

2012-01-16T18:42:00.000-08:00

Today was a challenge on so many levels.
Pushed and pulled in so many directions
Directions I did not want to go.
What I really wanted was to curl up, away from the world, and get lost in a book.
There were tears and sighs, shouts and smiles.
It was a very full and tiresome day.

Fitting, then, that the scrabble pendants arrived today.
To carry them on my neck, along with the symbol of faith that lives there, as a reminder of what I am living for, and to take a moment, breathe, and move on when the road becomes pitted with obstacles.

Beauty All Around Us

2012-01-11T19:01:00.000-08:00

"Did God paint you?"
"[chuckles] Did got paint me? ... Allah loves wonderous variety!"
- Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves

Indeed, God does love wonderous variety! Evidence of this is all around; one only need to review the various types of plants, animals, faces, regions, climates, colours, tastes, sensations. It is amazing and wonderful.

Today my eyes beheld what seemed like magic happening in the sky. While a camera was on hand (often the case, these days) it could not capture the immensity of what was happening outside the window, the second-by-second alterations, the intensity of the colour. It was as though my eyes were awakened to TRUE colour.

I hope you enjoy this brilliance, even in its digital form:

drowning

2012-01-09T20:21:00.000-08:00

there is only so much water a girl can consume
but why not enjoy in style!

taking stock

2012-01-07T16:31:00.001-08:00

picked this up today.

should help to sort out the year.
somewhere to jott down

appointments
reminders
notes
reflections
sayings

should help to keep everything in order
as they say, mess is stress.

Delight on the heels of Disappointment

2012-01-06T10:12:00.000-08:00

It broke.
My lense.
Not just any lense - my favourite lense.
The one that hasn't come off my camera since camp.
That lense.

In the 10 years I have been given cameras to cultivate creativity, there have been 5 major accidents, resulting in the loss of a piece of somewhat pricey camera equipment. It's not a disregard or particular negligence with the instruments, but rather a series of events that leads to the eventual, disastrous end.

Today was one of those moments. Balancing and umbrella, satchel-bag, and camera in the cold, windy weather, mixed up with the ever-tangling cords of my earphones: it was a recipe for misfortune (though of a very minute kind, all things considered). The camera, as it was trying to return to its nest on my hip, flipped, spun and went flying through the air. Only to land - that's right - lense down on the ground. Not a nice tuft of grass or anything, but the gritty, grainy suface of a hard,gravel ground path.

"Oh dear.... oh dear oh dear oh dear.... no-no-no-no-no-NO!" Was the first response. A small wave of panic. Look it over. Test. Click. Ok, can still take pictures. Whew! the body's fine... though jostled. Check the lense - it's chipped and scratched and refuses to focus. Won't even respond to manual focus. It's done. DAMN!

Many negative thoughts flew through my mind in that moment. All of them self-depreciating. Then I took a breath. It's just a lense. I have others, even if they aren't as much fun or nice to use. It's ok. This is not a big deal and it will not ruin my day.

Went to the nearest lense shop (which happens to double as a drug-store/beauty counter/appliance store) to check the prices on a replacement. Well, it's not really in the budget - especially RIGHT after Christmas. I could work something out.... Will have to talk it over.

--------------------------------

In the meantime, some texts were being passed between my mother & I regarding a collection of photocards she is selling at a little food kisosk she runs back home. We were discussing ideas for a new format and new collection of card.

She did not know about my little accident. It didn't need to be broadcast in that moment or it would have turned into a "woe-is-me" kind of verbal expulsion. She was completely unaware of where I was or what I was doing.

A message came to say that she had some money for me for the last few months' worth of sales. The total is JUST ENOUGH to cover the replacement of the lense which was only moments before ruined.

THAT is what I call a happy ending.

(here is the test photo to make sure the camera is still working)

Free Feeling

2012-01-04T19:29:00.000-08:00

I went to a REAL yarn shop today.
We're not talking the craft area of Walmart where they keep bundles of acrylic concotions, but real - from the animal - yarn.
Walking through the small store, I make a point to touch every single type of yarn they had.
It was amazing.

Saying it Just Right

2012-01-03T22:01:00.001-08:00

In German they say "ich mache ein bild" - I make a picture (though my grammatical structure may be off!)

Sometimes this makes more sense than taking a picture, because really, when your creative energies are involved, are you not making it instead?

The blow picture made me smile and think of a dear (new) friend because it reminds me of her work - though less gauzy. I love her gauzy, airy, breathy, light-filled work and it always stirs my heart, especially when meaningful and powerful quotes are etched gently into the work.

This brings me to the post title: how do you say it, just right? How do you find the words to put the sentiment into a perfect little phrase that rings true and fluid in your mind and heart? This picture speaks to me of not only the sweetness that graces our lives as needed, but also the rich and fluid nature of a maple's sap, that in some way it represents the tree's lifeblood being drawn off to sweeten up our own palates, and that reminds me of Christ pouring out his lifeblood to bring sweetness to our souls through grace and mercy.

Often I have tried to 'look' for quotes and it has always given a quick and efficient headache. Where do you go to find the meaningful words that allow you to say it just right and communicate the fullness of your meaning in a simple statement?

A little something special

2012-01-02T19:13:00.002-08:00

Baby blanket, originally uploaded by Little Macrina.

I have the feeling that 2012 will bring with it much opportunity for being creatively expressive! Today I finished the 2nd pair of wrist warmers - these ones longer and better fitted for someone with slimmer arms than mine, though they do fit me just fine. Still have to buy the buttons to spruce them up a bit and then they will be ready to be gifted! The question is: to whom!! The list is long but it is very hard to decide.

The above picture is the WIP (work-in-progress) of a baby blanket being made for a friend. The pattern is from Paton's (or maybe Bernat?) and was intended as a prayer shawl, but I figured out how to make the triangle into a square quite easily so the blanket is not only soft and warm and well-sized for a wee being, but it is also prettier than the boring rows for which I am known. Have already been asked to make a dog sweater for a colleague... that will be a little more challenging since I am used to squares and rectangles and circles and tubes.

We decided to take the year in the same manner as accountants and corporations do: in quarters. This way it is not overwhelming and the goals we set together are within reach. We have agreed on a new way of doing 'date night' (after having watched the movie so named) and to branch out of the familiar and engage in some 'city life'. This should give more opportunity for the camera to get some varied exercise as well!!

Three nights have already been set aside over the next 3 months. It's a good - gentle - start. It's something.

There are more ideas brewing in our minds, but we need to give other things a chance to show how they will affect our day-to-day living and only then make plans, if they are possible. Slow, persistent, kindly, forgiving, and temperate. This is how we take the first few steps into the new year.

to do:

2012-01-01T16:02:00.000-08:00

- make bread every week
- dance every day
- full stop at every intersection (as appropriate, of course!)
- drive the speed limit
- eat vegetables every day
- smile. even if there's no reason
- 100% temperance
- reduce my possessions
- buy it only if it's necessary
- secure funds for Australia 2013
- spend 5 min with the dogs every day
- walk somewhere every day
- document "living" with the camera

and so it sets in...

2011-12-31T19:18:00.000-08:00

the rain.
it's back.
for a whole decembral moment, i was trying to believe it might not come this year.
and, well, it kinda waited... until the last moment... when the calendar is just about ready to flip... rain. rain. rain.
stupid, grey, dark, gloomy, depressing, RAIN.

it's fine in small quantities,
during a dry spell....
during a hot spell...
overnight....
on weekdays....
or even every once in a while.

but living where we live, it is typical to expect rain for the next 3 months straight. ugh.
one thing about having moved to this part of the country is that the spring and autumn are incredibly beautiful - especially when the sun bursts through and lights everything up. even summers are tolerable here, unlike most of the rest of the country.

but in my heart of hearts, deep within and on the surface without, I miss with all my being the snow winter used to bring...
the beautiful, twinkling, glistening, flirty snow!
And when I come across photos from others of this great blessing, it awakens a hunger.

Have you ever had a craving for a food? Something you could almost taste just thinking about it? And you obsess until you have it, or something equally satisfying? Yep... that's the kinda relationship I have with snow.

Not only that, but it awakens in me desires for other things, such as a wood-burning fireplace... handmade mittens.... slippers... sweaters... scarves.... farm houses (really?).... country fields.... forests.... quiet.... white-washed-walls.... rickety rocking chairs.... quilts.... goodness.

This could come from having spent so much time among the Amish folk of South-western Ontario. Watching them live such simple, quiet lives, envying it even. And it all seemed so much more quiet in the winter, for some reason. I'm drawn to them like a moth to light. They're beautiful; strong; industrious; dedicated; skilled; artistic; natural; loving; gentle.

Anyway... all that to say, the rain is back and it's crummy. Wish I were in winter, with a bright blue sky, brilliant sun, and shimmering fields of snow.

For now I'll just accept the rain for what it is. And drift in dreams away.

Where I stand

2011-12-30T17:02:00.002-08:00

toes peeking, originally uploaded by Little Macrina.

Teetering on a bench.

Ready to leap into 2012!

The Goal

2011-12-29T17:31:00.003-08:00

2011 brought many new and very deep, meaningful and valuable relationships with a number of incredible women who have - in their own way - challenged and inspired me to be more than just a collection of cells existing in this space.

This gets me thinking about the new year. Have never been a fan of resolutions (read previous pre-New Year's posts on the subject) but there is something about having a mind for what to focus on in the months to come.

One friend in particular regularly chooses a 'word' or phrase to weave through her year and it's funny how this word often speaks to circumstances or situations in which she has found herself.

Others have engaged in 365 projects which have developed and strengthened their photography and their view of the world around them.

There is a very long list of words that have been floating in my fore-mind and all are bursting to be heard, to be brought to life, to be filled out and woven into my day-to-day living. So taking all the influential advice of a collective group of friends, I have an intention to LIVE in 2012.

This may seem a little obvious - no one sets an intention to die (except, perhaps, to self, but that is a whole other matter) - but its meaning is so full and rich to me. Over the past month and a half or so, I have felt small and dry. Going about like a ghost, drifting from one thing to the next. Camp may have sparked something after all, in stirring up my love for traveling (in spite of a great unlove for flying!) and seeing new places, new buildings, new vegetation, new people. Being reminded that life happens everywhere, not just where I am, seeing other people living different and unique lives in a brand new part of the world to my eyes.

My idea to LIVE also embraces all the other words that have been floating around m'noggin including create, breathe, explore, dare, adventure, root. Each word can be held on its own, reaching deep and beyond and challenging one to significant growth and development. But LIVE, to me, seems to fulfill them all.

Further significance is given to a battle that will be fought this year - a physical, yet subtle battle. Not knowing what will come of this instills a sufficient deal of anxiety, but an intention to LIVE may provide the strength needed to overcome whatever difficulties or drawbacks that may arise - to look life in the face and say I'm taking you today, no matter what you have for me. Of accepting my strengths and weaknesses, and not allowing either to dictate my being.

Having made the decision to LIVE in the coming year, we plan to travel to 3 different destinations, complete a 365 photo-project speaking of life every day, and experience at least one adventure. Here's to the next 12 months!!

How do you plan to fill your year?

gusts of wind between the ears

2011-12-28T17:54:00.000-08:00

as i lay wondering

about life and its complexities

he nestled close to my hand

and the whole world became

a heart

beating in my breast

filling each pore with Life.

and i was alive

feeling all the pain and joy

surrounding our small life

of those near us,

and those who are distant;

of strangers,

and enemies;

of those who make us uncomfortable

and those who embrace us

and even those who just are.

and the complexities didn't matter

because Life flowed between

filling in the gaps

where knowledge couldn't go.

and the little pitter-patter

beating against my hand

reminded me that life is lived

even in the darkest hour

when sleep calls us home.

one small step

2011-12-27T15:18:00.002-08:00

one small step, originally uploaded by Little Macrina.

and she loved...

2011-12-25T22:16:00.000-08:00

once upon a time a little girl was made
by gentle and tender loving hands
though she was made in what seemed to be
disproportionate measures
her heart seemed too big for her
because she loved....
and she loved....
and she loved....
and the more she saw and experienced,
the more she encountered and grasped,
the more she loved...
and she loved...
and she loved...
it seemed almost her wee body couldn't contain all this love
and she burst with outpourings on any she encountered
reckless and wild in so many ways
and she loved...
and she loved...

when time came to settle down and domesticize
there came opportunity to love differently
and new loves were born to keep filling her heart
in ways that were never possible before
and she loved...
and she loved...
one day she looked at this abundance of love
her heart stretched tight with so many lovespushing and shoving, all wanting to be first
and she loved...
and she loved...
the heart walls became stiff, unyielding and rigid
she couldn't decide between them
having not energy for them all
and decided it was time to clean house
to be rid of some of the loves,
and she unloved...
and she unloved...
purging her heart of what once was so dear
only afterwards, and much after, to discover
unloving only created big empty spaces
where draughts were wont to wander, lingering there
the loves that remained seemed feeble and small,
lost in this abundance of space which was made

for she was unaware that in loving
it is the heart which must grow
and her heart which was made in what seemed
disproportionate measures
was always meant to be that way

Christ is Born!!

2011-12-25T08:18:00.000-08:00

Hall-iday Greetings

2011-12-24T08:42:00.002-08:00

Hall-iday Greetings, originally uploaded by Little Macrina.

2011-12-22T20:14:00.001-08:00

"There where man himself no longer sees, God sees,

and God alone works, in judgment and in grace.

There, at the very limits of man, stands God,

and when man can do nothing more, God does all."

Lord help me end this fast
in grace

So easy to forget

2011-12-20T17:03:00.000-08:00

It really is easy to forget what we are celebrating, why we are celebrating.

Admittedly, the original festivities were rooted in pagan celebration which was Christianized a very long time ago, but those who hold to the 'true' meaning of Christmas still harken (like the angels!!) to a miraculous, powerful, life-altering event that spoke of redeption and salvation.

I was gently reminded to set my eyes aright and look back to what the fasting and preparation is for: it is not to please the onlookers, or to satisfy man's want for stuff or connection or pretty parcels, or even to give. It is to prepare for a celebration of God humbling himself to bring life to all mankind.

and then there are days like this one....

2011-12-19T15:43:00.000-08:00

when fury blows fiercly over the heart
wrecking anything that dares to stand in its way
it is wild and tempestuous
the kind of day when there is energy to read Dickens
and inexplicable strength to move mountains
when tasks are completed with frightful precision
and maddening efficiency
tears flow hot and angry
quickly dried on the burning cheeks
of she whose sentiment cannot be assuaged
though her whole being desires it.

needless today... it was not a good day.
come, tomorrow! and hurry.

Special Gift

2011-12-16T17:40:00.000-08:00

It was a fantastic idea, brilliant, in fact.
Similar in style to a Secret Santa, but a Secret Sister instead.
And it really isn't a secret... because we all reveal ourselves.

For my sister I had to patiently watch her limited online activity for hints that might speak to something she particularly enjoys, is thrilled by, finds joy in, or just plainly wants. It was tricky since she is not particularly visible in cyberworld.

I did learn, though, that she is in a cold part of the country and, knowing that region has been well blasted with much snow and cold, figured a scarf would do well. So I made one! With a special little appliqué to spruce it up a bit. And some other little treats to go along with it.

And how exciting to receive a similar gift in kind, from another dear sister! This arrived today, and elicited little shouts of glee.

These ladies provide unending delight, inspiration and insight into the world of personal photography, pulling life out into moments captured one frame at a time, telling stories of triumph, peace, frustration, overcoming, little pleasures, and love. It is a gift to be among them and hope that my small contribution may be of some value, even if not in measure to what has been gained.

Thank you sisters, one and all!

Wish List:

2011-12-16T16:58:00.001-08:00

- pedicure
- 90 min jade stone massage
- soaker tub
- cheese cake
- an evening of dancing with friends
- a day off
- someone else to write my Christmas cards
- chicken

totally within reason... isn't it?

getting lost

2011-12-14T17:44:00.001-08:00

it's easy to get lost in all the goings on
and feel smothered by expectations
wanting to do but having little energy to execute the want into something tangible, real.
january begins something big, unknown.
i'm not scared, really.
or particularly nervous, for the most part.
but definitely uncertain.

it's like walking down a dark path and you can't see but a couple steps ahead of you.
there's faith, of course, and that is what currently keeps the ground steady.
keeps me from flying into panic.
it could be nothing. and everything.

what is the saying? keep calm and carry on.
will find myself a little reminder.
and post it.
everywhere.

do and want and can

2011-12-13T15:36:00.000-08:00

in the end, it all got done.
myself included.

you're brain is clogged when...

2011-12-07T14:47:00.000-08:00

the other day i wandered around the house for about 20 minutes
wondering where in the world i had put the book i was reading
searched through the shelves
in multiple rooms
drawers
bags
eventually giving up the search and moving on to something else

a few hours later, the search resumed for another 10 min or so
and then it dawned on me:
it's an audio book.

good graciousness.

tumble. tumble. splat.

2011-12-03T21:39:00.000-08:00

today my face hit the pavement.
figuratively, not literally, though not without effecting the same general response: DAMN-IT!
- bit tongue (thank you God!)
- released appropriately
- relinquished embellishment
am learning to not let the stumbles get the better of me and accepting them as learning experiences - watch my footing, pay attention to the bumps in the road, and, where possible, navigate gently, not forcefully.

today the road was rough. and i fell. and it hurt.
but that's ok, because it's not a permanent state of being and in all things we do strive to give Glory to God, knowing He will help us gain our footing once more. repentance really does bring life, and i can breathe a little easier knowing that.

stretched tight

2011-12-02T07:35:00.001-08:00

C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce is stretching tight my heart and soul and mind.

It makes me want to retreat, pull back, and work this out in quiet, away from others' eyes. To investigate and review this information which isn't particularly new, but perhaps a time to be received. Much like adolescence being a terribly awkward time because growing is so obvious and the only desire is to hide until it's finished it's business.

Under another perspective:
Buckley's is nasty.
Digestifs burn.
Hepaglycerizic is wretched.
But they all help the purpose for which they are intended.

This which is hard to swallow (metaphorically speaking) is good, in the end.

If those can be endured, then so too can this. When one's desire to grow exceeds one's desire to preserve, anything, really, can be withstood.

photo courtesy of Kim Klassen

Welcome to Winter!

2011-11-30T20:34:00.000-08:00

It may not be very wintery where we live, but it sure feels like it!
Cold, crisp, bright skies!
Enchanting, multi-hued, clear sunsets.
Brilliant, indeed!

We finally started getting things together for Christmas. Today included putting together the baking list! Last year, because of that dreaded illness, no baking was done. Very little decorating. It was a very quiet, gentle holiday.

This year has retained much of the quiet, but it has also developed a more home-made flare. Gifts for family this year will consist of goodies - and LOTS of them!

What's on the roll-call? Let us see:

Decadent Chocolate Chip Cookie Balls (Kraft What's Cooking? - Christmas 2011)
Awesome Ginger Cookies (from The Only Bakesale Cookbook You'll Ever Need)
Thumbprint Cookies (Kraft What's Cooking? - Christmas 2004)
Tigrr Swirl Fudge (from The Complete Baking Cookbook)
Ginger Molasses Drops (from some newspaper clipping)
Chocolate Haystacks (not sure where that one is from.... )
Gingerbread People & Bears to decorate (from The Ultimate Cookies Book)

Some of these are old favourites, some are new, and some aren't even festive they're just so stinkin yummy!! Can't wait to start the kitchen maddness!

Oh! Never been to the bakery Chez Hall - Auntie Emz Kitchen? Let's put it this way: we live in a reasonably sized townhouse and have a very [poorly] planned kitchen which is 75% littered with drying dishes, coffee/tea machines, and other more frequently used kitchen accessories. My work space is about 18"x18" and that is where all the magic happens!

Anyway, let me end with a quick pic to get you in the holiday mood!

good.

2011-11-24T16:43:00.001-08:00

despite what the negativiters say, Good things happen to people.

dreams are made.
dreams come true.

people help.
people are helped.

what seemed like it was off too far in the distance becomes reality and present.
people overcome their fears and become something new.

Good things happen to people. all the time.
big things and little things.
things that have financial value and things that have eternal value.
things that take work and things that just happen.
things you don't expect and things that have been striven for.

I must always remember there is plenty of good in this world - whether rich or poor, in need or in plenty, full or energy or sapped right dry. good is all around.

and today, in particular, i rejoice in the good that has filled the lives of my beautiful friends.

Thinking... and thinking....

2011-11-21T18:47:00.000-08:00

Always there is something to prompt a thought. Which prompts another. And another. And so on. The writings (or reading aloud thereof) of one C.S. Lewis has prompted such. In fact, it is his deductions coupled with the experiences shared by others over the past while that are causing this colossal storm in my head and giving cause to truly pause and reflect.

I have heard it said that when people participate in certain events or happenings, they feel something beyond them at work, that they become engaged in this 'other'ness which supersedes their own being and connects them with a greater being. And they are excited about this encounter! They are truly moved and affected.

Which makes me wonder: we have this EVERY Sunday in Liturgy - why is it not equally exciting, even at its most profound level? Even in retrospect or on further reflection? What is it that can allow us to sit here and even PONDER the presence of this gift while being completely and utterly unmoved?

Either because we are so used to it, it has become common or they are so unaccustomed to it, that they are shocked by how amazing it is to be involved in living that has only as much to do with you as you being a part of it. Which then begs the question: where does gratitude live in my heart if, on a weekly basis (if not more) I have the privilege of joining in this beautiful, mystical encounter with both the physical and metaphysical body of Christ, but can think only of when it's going to be over and how long until we get to stop singing this part or saying those prayers.

* shakes head *

I am fully aware of the 'extremeness' of this statement but extremity can push one to awakening and being awake - aware - mindful - present - seems to be a habit that needs to be cultivated instead of expected or something this ever-wandering heart can just DO.

Many thanks to the friend who lent me her audio books. You've really started something here!

A girl can dream can't she?

2011-11-21T15:44:00.000-08:00

A bag for the non-bag girl!

Open publication - Free publishing

Here-and-there-and-Everywhere

2011-11-18T20:47:00.001-08:00

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
by the incomparable Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I never really considered Dr. Seuss a potential for inspiration. But a friend's son - whose little face warms my heart most dearly! - insisted I read to him one evening while we were visiting and this was the book of choice. We actually read it twice. And something of that zany little rhyme stuck in my head and wiggled its way down into my heart.

O! The Places you'll Go.

Right now I'm in Kim Klassen's workshop on Photoshop Essentials and ever so grateful. It is a new challenge (as if there aren't enough in life!) and is both engaging and inspiring. This after only one class! Looking forward to more bits of learning in the coming weeks.

O! The Places you'll Go.

West of Hope project is becoming serious now. We're looking to drive traffic, which gives me the feeling of truly building up (no pun intended) a real exhibit. How exciting! How daunting! Please drop in for a visit as we document the remnants of the old township, succumbing to the development of a quickly growing community.

O! The Places you'll Go.

There is a mound of reading on the list. Books that will challenge personal growth even more. Subject matter that is neither light nor discouraging, but life-giving.

O! The Places you'll Go.

Life events are giving opportunity for owning my voice and standing firm in decisions. It's hard. It's unpleasant. But if I continue to ignore the voice of reason that speaks within, to go against what I know to be a true course, then only weakness is cultivated. I must hold my ground this time. No matter the winds that blow or the storms that rail. Feet planted firmly in a great Foundation - I will not be moved.

O! The Places you'll Go.

It has been nearly 6 years since starting this job and it has been both emotionally, mentally and professionally taxing. With a heart full of thanks, though, I can recognize the blessing it has been - and continues to be - and hope only to continue on with a heart filled with gratitude, come what may.

O! The Places you'll Go.

Smile.

2011-11-18T14:50:00.002-08:00

Smile., originally uploaded by Little Macrina.

Not always the easiest thing to do. But what brightness ensues when one does. What gladness is shared and tension released. A true and genuine smile can sometimes feel as though it's breaking through - and maybe it is! But - ahh - what relief comes along with it!

2011-11-16T18:06:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the way seems long.

Somtimes the end is too far in the distance.

Sometimes you can't even see where you're headed at all.

But keep walking.

Keep moving forward.

back in action

2011-11-14T17:36:00.001-08:00

we met up again.
one of these days we're going to get in trouble.
maybe.
for now, we will continue to enjoy... the thrill!

november.

2011-11-08T19:34:00.000-08:00

dark mornings.
headaches.
grey skies.
damp cold.
sleepy.
warm soup.

snuggly blanket.
bean bag.
cozy evenings.

to... from...

2011-11-07T18:20:00.000-08:00

do you reply to comments on your blog posts?

have wondered about this. if i reply, will the people get the replies? and is it better to email or to group-respond? don't want to ellicit any unnecessary chatter.

winding down 2011. what chaos there was. what beauty. lots of travel. unexpectedly so! and not at all where intended, but grateful for it anyway. prairies, beach, coast. familiar and foreign. the itch is on and i want to go more and farther. hope to one day visit my new friend. her beauty consumes my heart every time i visit her page. she is full of light. and gentleness. like a cozy sofa you see and would just like to snuggle up in, knowing you can't stay forever.

and then there is the familiarity of local friends whose bravery and honesty and simply living inspires me to unwind the unnecessary complications and enjoy moments, here, now.

i agreed to go read. now.
Falukner.
we have a date - long overdue.

End of THE Week

2011-10-30T16:17:00.000-07:00

We celebrated my birthday this year for an ENTIRE WEEK! Not because of an inherent self-obsession, but it seems to be easier to take everything in when spread over 7 days instead of cram-packed into one single day. Especially when that's a work day.

Beginning with a lovely dinner out and ending with a dinner in, my heart is swollen with gratitude for all those who were a part of it - both near and far. For the well wishes, the thoughful treats and gifts, and for your smiles, hugs and friendship.

What is a birthday celebration if not a celebration of the life that has been given? Personally, it is a time to appreciate the many blessings given, the lessons learned, the adventures shared, the challenges overcome, and an opportunity to bravely step forward into a new year.

Most people do their life reflections on Jan 1. The only thing noteable for me on Jan 1 is a new calendar and stat-holiday. Celebrating a birthday has nothing to do with numbers or years or stats, and everything to do with LIVING, BEING, and giving thanks. For taking stock of what was and challenging myself to something new, be it a project, a perspective, a hobby or even a relationship.

Like a tree that is ever growing, every year marked with a new ring, I too want to grow and build on what is already there: my history. Some years show greater growth than others, and that's ok. Just so long as there is no standing still (not to be confused with being still). There is no moving back: only moving forward.

More reasons to love Autumn!

2011-10-29T20:54:00.000-07:00

Take it All In

2011-10-28T20:30:00.000-07:00

My life is so small.
Not because it's been made small,
but because of the limits that I put on it.
Of the smallness of this heart,
the tight scope of these eyes.

Happy Birthday to We!!

2011-10-26T06:31:00.000-07:00

Happiest of Birthdays to my new Sister-friends, Annie & Christine.

Camp Shutter Sisters - attempted reflection.

2011-10-23T15:27:00.003-07:00

Being in a strange place personally makes it difficult and awkward to be anywhere, with anyone.

Camp was no exception.

After reading what seems like a hundred posts about how alive and free and connected all these other women felt, I wondered if we were in the same place. How was it possible that I missed all these fantastic opportunities? That my eyes didn't open up and see all the beauty that was around? That my heart clutched even tighter inside when the environment was fresh for letting go? That more than ever I was afraid of being 'myself' - even if that was, at the moment, a broken self.

Since returning, people have been asking, "How was it? Did you have fun? What did you learn? Did you make some new friends? Will you do it again? What was it like?" Oddly enough, these questions have become incredibly overwhelming and words cannot seem to form in response to any of them.

"Yes... no, I mean... kinda... it's hard to explain."

At the beginning of the trip, flying from Vancouver to San Francisco, I remember doing a mental check-in, asking: what is happening here? What am I doing? Why am I doing it? There was no answer. Even on our first morning when Jen asked us all to think about, What is your intention for camp? I didn't have one. I couldn't even remember why I was so determined to sign up - be one of the first! - way back in... when was it again? There is so much fogginess.

Perhaps it was fitting, then, that on the first full day a heavy fog settled in over the camp. I am certain the sun would have enabled a different atmosphere - a brightness that couldn't be ignored and easily absorbed, filling every corner. Not to mention all the photographic advantages the sun brings :)

Truth be told: camp was sad for me. It was lonely. I felt empty and in need.

It is easy to read that and assume Camp wasn't a pleasant experience, that it was draining and unfulfilling. The opposite is true. It was great, despite my fears. It was energizing, despite my emotional lethargy. It was fulfilling, despite my own lack of connecting. Whatever Tracey, Myriam and Jen intended for camp to be, it was. Truly and wholly.

Why? Because my emotions didn't dictate the benefits and lessons and challenges and bright spots that came of this camp experience. Not to mention all the fragments wherein the metaphorical clouds lifted and a bright, blazing sun shone through (thank you Amy Z, Xanthe, Adriana, Annie, Kendra, Liz, Kristin, Leslie).

There is still a part of me that gets the sense she missed out on something great, but overall, I am thankful to have been a part of something great. Even if in a small way.

new morning

2011-10-18T10:18:00.000-07:00

Sweet Darkness

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing:
the world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

~ David Whyte ~

knowing yourself

2011-10-17T22:44:00.000-07:00

i am always me.

it happens, though, that 'me' looks a little different depending on the weather.

sometimes i'm muffled

sometimes i'm screwy

sometimes i'm puzzled

sometimes i'm fuzzy

but in the end, i am always me.

and that's ok.

ocean potion!

2011-10-17T11:14:00.000-07:00

this morning I had a fantastic, quiet yoga space.
it was a brilliant start to the day.
after breakfast I took a venture down to the ocean.

wow.
wow...
wooooow!!!

the sand felt like flour-y slush. it was cool and embracing.
i ran through the waves
i kicked up some sand
i listened to the ocean breathing

if only every morning could be spent like this...

the start of all things...

2011-10-16T20:57:00.000-07:00

beginnings are hard:
everything is new
you have to adjust
you're weary from the before-the-beginning

but there is that beginning, that starting point
and you feel like you have to JUMP
and BE something

i want to participate but don't feel ready
what if i'm not ready until it's time to go?

sit back
relax
enjoy the ride

spoiled

2011-10-14T18:10:00.000-07:00

we were spoiled on our last holiday.
i can't stop thinking about the place!
it's become obsessive.
you know a good stop when you see one... and this one was AMAZING.
definitely left a lasting impression.

in giving thanks...

2011-10-10T17:12:00.000-07:00

...be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Today I give thanks for...
- a loving mother
- a dedicated husband
- a job which provides for us
- a home to keep us warm and sheltered
- food to eat
- thoughtful friends
- healthcare
- time to read books
- not having to work on the holiday
- autumn colours
- availability of warmth in cold times
- sustaining faith

What are you thankful for today?

Thanksgiving - Variation on a Theme

2011-10-09T19:54:00.000-07:00

Handmade pasta:

half-moons stuffed with pumpkin, squash, cheddar and turkey.

Not bad for an alternative!

pain in the *ss

2011-10-06T18:23:00.001-07:00

call it what it is
SI Joint has been pulled or dislodged or something.
at least now it makes 'sense'
though how it happened remains a mystery
i think of my friend and realize this is nothing compared to what turmoil she endures
and with every wince of discomfort i pray for her relief as well as my own
hopefully it calms down before California
kinda tricky to get those candid shots from down-low angles when bending over is... well... a bit of a task!
thank God for massage therapists
and chiropracters
and medical professionals who actually care

ha ha ha...

2011-09-29T20:08:00.000-07:00

I know God laughs.
He made me.
And sometimes I think he likes to make little jokes out of my petty woes
To make me laugh in turn.

Dear God,

Thanks for the laughs.

I get it.

With love,
your dear child.

craving adventure

2011-09-24T11:03:00.000-07:00

8 months ago we had agreed that now would be a good time to go to Europe.
We started saving, budgeting, planning, deciding.
Our eyes were set so wide we were giddy with the possibilities.

Then there was the uncertainty of his surgery.
When they say "anytime in the next 12-18 months" there's really very little you can plan for.
Especially when standing & sitting caused him a certain degree of pain when done for any length of time.
Wouldn't fare well on an 8+ hr flight or walking the historic paths we had dreamed about.

So we adapted and put the savings toward renovations and upgrades.
We'd wanted to do that anyway. It was only a matter of time.

Holidays were re-defined. We would instead visit friends who had moved away.
Make a road-trip out of it.
A great opportunity to take out the cameras and explore parts of the country we hadn't quite seen together, though we'd seen it before.
Not to mention reconnect with people who are dear to our hearts.

Up arose a new set of hindrances.
Back pain.
Fever.
Forgotten key.
Only 1/2 a day into our alternate holiday and we had to turn around and come home.
At least we could say we had lunch in the mountains.

Now I am yearning and longing and craving adventure. Needing to get out of this familiarity, explore some place new, different light, different scenery, different skies, different people and modes and architecture and landscapes.
The familiar is good and comforting to come home to; good to dwell in.
But every once in a while, I am overwhelmed with the need to experience the foreign, the exotic.

And this holiday that was supposed to be and twice wasn't is a hard blow.
Maybe next year.
Or the next.
Or the next....

on the tin roof...

2011-09-18T06:09:00.000-07:00

pitter patter
rat-a-tat tat
ping, ping, tonk, pong

lounging on the sofa
listening to the rain
through the shaft of the fireplace
what a beautiful sound

2011-09-10T19:13:00.000-07:00

today my heart broke.
metaphorically, but truly.
over a misunderstanding of love
over the mockery of a love which supercedes the sexual

today my heart broke.
not in essence, but in spirit.
that so many live a life void of grace
that so many don't know truth beyond this realm of understanding

today my heart broke.
fleetingly though deeply.
at seeing something genuinely beautiful degraded
at hearing Truth derided and debased with smugness complete

for but a moment, in a small sliver of mercy
i could understand from the depth of my being
how God's heart breaks when he sees our emptiness
and our rejection of him

and i wept inwardly for their lack. for my own.
God save us.

now what?

2011-09-07T15:27:00.000-07:00

how does one identify whether uneasiness and a sense of being unsettled is a result of God prompting one's heart to action, or simply a matter of impatience and lack of self-discipline and diligence?

go - don't go
pursue - let it be

ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything. but how does one know if this is the time or not?

gah. life is so vague.

Dearly Departed

2011-09-03T18:31:00.000-07:00

Remember, O Lord, in your mercy
Mary Hall
And welcome her into your kingdom.

from the pages...

2011-09-02T16:00:00.000-07:00

"She recalled the small details, the words, tones, and looks, in the critical scenes which had opened a new epoch for her, by giving her a deeper insight into the relations and trials of life, or which had called on her for some little effort of forbearance, or of painful adherence to an imagined or real duty - asking herself continually whether she had been in any respect blamable. This excessive rumination and self-questioning is perhaps a morbid habit inevitable to a mind of much moral sensibility when shut out from its due share of outward activity and of practical claims on its affections - inevitable to a noble-hearted, childless woman, when her lot is narrow. 'I can do so little - have I done it all well?' is the perpetually recurring though; and there are no voices calling her away from that soliloquy, no peremptory demands to divert energy from vain regret or superfluous scruple."

- an excerpt from George Eliot's Silas Marner

On the Appropriate Use and Function of Cows

2011-08-27T08:33:00.002-07:00

(FDK - this article is just for you!)

For many years the question has plagued my mental capacities: what is the proper use and function of a cow? Through many agricultural, nutritional and socio-political discussions, an answer has finally materialized.

Cows were given to us to be multi-functional. While they grow up to be nice and plump and tender, they mow our fields and produce fertilizer by naturally processing grass and feed. Not only are they sustainable by not requiring any electrical resources to engage in processing, this fertilizer is used for gardens in which vegetables and flowers grow. Vegetables provide us with naturally occuring vitamins and minerals while flowers and plants beautify our surroundings. Herein is their agricultural benefit.

Cows are also particularly susceptible to being tipped in the quiet hours of the night, giving many a youngster pleasure when out with their particular group of friends. Cow-tipping has, for years, entertained young people in a fashion that is neither destructive to others nor self-harming (except in those rare cases when the cow is injured upon landing on the ground, say, on a rock or something). So we see there is a social benefit to cows as well by keeping our younger generation out of trouble while giving them an outlet for bonding and relationship forming.

From a nutritional perspective, we get dairy products and all their wonderful combinations: cream, cheese, cream-cheese, ice cream - how is that not a great thing! While the milk is naturally intended for their calves, they generously share with us to have something from which to abstain during the fast and drool over during the feasts.

When cows have fulfilled their above mentioned duties, they selflessly allow us to take their lives and nourish us with their yummy meat. Steak, stew, roast, gravy, it's all thanks to cows. And for those who argue against the eating of cow meat (more commonly referred to as 'beef') I say, consider the ozone layer. In this age of developing means to protect our world from undue human harm, it is an environmentally responsible act to slay the cows in due time so as to regulate the amount of carbon monoxide produced by cow farts. If we were to leave all the cows to die naturally, imagine the state of the environment! Can you consider the consequences on global warming? It would be devastating.

In the end, cows are incredibly useful animals and I am so glad God made them.

Stay tuned next week for another exposition on the Appropriate Use and Function of Pigs!

2011-08-24T20:22:00.000-07:00

the powerfully gentle sound of hundreds of tiny birds flocking together, their wings beating the air as they flutter by
that point between dusk and twilight... magical
walking barefoot through the cool evening grass
feeling both cool and warm
fishy crackers

Camp.

2011-08-24T17:09:00.000-07:00

Camp Shutter Sisters sent us the first countdown message.

Excited isn't sufficient a term.

It's been dormant for a while, hidden under fear and uncertainty,

Insecurities and doubt.

"Throw it off and bathe yourself in October, my soul!"

This will be an October to remember.

An autumn to bask in.

Ladies. Cameras. Act. On!

today

2011-08-23T19:58:00.001-07:00

yoga
ice cream
cool air

sunday evening well spent

2011-08-23T13:30:00.000-07:00

despite the look on his face, he really did enjoy being the 'driver'.

I just sat back and took pictures while he navigated us around the lake.

2011-08-21T18:52:00.002-07:00

deacons
our priest
thoughtfulness of a dear friend

2011-08-20T22:15:00.002-07:00

waking up on my own terms
wild blackberries
Haagen Dazs... oh yes!

2011-08-19T18:40:00.000-07:00

investigations
laughter
vanilla bean frappuccino... been waiting for that one all week!

2011-08-18T14:38:00.000-07:00

textured wallpaper - sometimes at work, walking along the hallway, I run my hand behind me on the wall to feel the texture of the wall paper. I heard somewhere that doing things like this, awakening the senses, we become attuned to our environment and remember that we are alive. Today, I am thankful for the textured wallpaper because it reminded me that I am alive, living and breathing, existing, sensing the world around me without being a muted part of it, but experiencing it in the moment.

dinner prospects - we have agreed to get out of our comfort zone and, once a month, take a culinary adventure. I started the research for the first place today. Given our recent means for spending time, this is fitting and it's exciting to pull things together.

the colour pink - after 28 years it has finally sunk in: just because pink is a girly colour, doesn't mean I don't have to like it.

2011-08-16T14:22:00.002-07:00

attitudes changing
people who hug
bright smiles... especially when accompanied by dimples

2011-08-15T09:19:00.001-07:00

hot shower
squeeky half-audible voices - if not useful, at least they're humerous!
communion
communion
communion

communion would be all three, but the shower was pretty refreshing and singing along with bette middler in a squeeky-croak-horse voice at barely a whisper did give a fit of giggles that hasn't been seen since... well... i don't remember when. they were, albeit, silent giggles. which was in itself funny too.

2011-08-13T19:59:00.000-07:00

Everyone who supported this amazing endeavor both financially and in prayer
Vancouver weather - 20 degrees with an ocean breeze!
Being cough-free for a full 8 hours
Hot baths with epsom salts
A husband who acts chauffeur, errand-boy, masseus, barrista and cheer-man!
Being cancer-free... I am so incredibly thankful for that...
Honest tears and words of encouragement.
Strangers with stories.
My mom.

2011-08-11T19:13:00.000-07:00

fresh flowers from street vendors
lemon and honey
pyjama pants

2011-08-10T15:28:00.000-07:00

loose leaf tea
breaks in the work day
cancelled plans. not that i want plans to be cancelled, but today i'm thankful for it because it means i can rest and play in other ways.

2011-08-09T16:57:00.000-07:00

soft, cozy bed
gentle breezes
dogs that can hold their bladders

2011-08-08T14:28:00.000-07:00

Unexpected Gifts
Watermelon
Gracious and understanding Managers

2011-08-07T19:36:00.001-07:00

Cherries
Evening Light
Drinkable Water

pause. breathe.

2011-08-06T08:11:00.000-07:00

at times it gets just a little too overwhelming

and space is needed

to pause

and breathe

and let the wave of emotion take over

- just for a moment -

and collect oneself together

and move on

2011-08-05T13:58:00.001-07:00

History

2011-08-03T18:51:00.000-07:00

Proof that history DOES repeat itself!

I can hear Madonna all through this!

Abandoned

2011-07-23T20:02:00.002-07:00

Strive not to let your soul become

an abandoned dwelling

Where the wiring is torn free

of it's protective covers;

Wherein strangers wander at will

defecating in sacred hollows;

Void of furniture,void of memorabilia,

void of the beat of your heart;

Where rodents burrow and vagrants squat

and anyone can pass through

unnoticed.

Strive not to let your soul become

an abandoned dwelling

Rotting under the rain,

collecting mold in the corners;

Bleached blank by the stare of the sun

and parched of care and tenderness;

Neglected through and through

falling to pieces at the slightest breeze.

Strive not to let your soul become

an abandoned dwelling.

Let LOVE live within

and brighten its walls with compassion;

Let PEACE fill each space

making a comforting place to rest;

Let JOY repair all damage

and make for a beautiful face;

Let GOD sustain each structure

rooting it firmly in place.

Blessed Macrina

2011-07-19T10:09:00.000-07:00

The image of God was truly preserved in you, O Mother,
For you took up the Cross and followed Christ.
By so doing, you taught us to disregard the flesh, for it passes away,
But to care instead for the soul, since it is immortal.
Therefore your spirit, O Holy Mother Macrina, rejoices with the Angels!

    Since the light of righteousness shone brightly in thee,
    thou wast an example of the life of piety for all,
    teaching the virtues to them that cry:
    Rejoice, Macrina, thou boast of virginity.

May she also teach me the way of righteousness, self-emptying and service to those in need.

Weather or Not

2011-07-16T19:06:00.000-07:00

They'z got cool storms!

Music on my Mind

2011-07-16T10:07:00.000-07:00

If God is a DJ
And Life is a dance floor
And Love is the rythm
Then you are the music.
- Pink

Hmm. Wouldn't I be the dancer? I mean, if we're applying logic here, that makes more sense. Because then God would be choosing the music for my life and I would have to determine 1) whether or not to show up and 2) how I will dance to that music.

Goodness.

open wide my heart

2011-07-13T17:45:00.001-07:00

piece-meal phrases that stick out from the song "The Cave" by... none other than... Mumford and Sons

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

'Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

'Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

the new neil young?

2011-07-10T15:30:00.001-07:00

Smokey.
Folky.
Soothing... yes...

I wonder...

2011-07-07T20:15:00.001-07:00

yes?
no?

thoughts?

http://www.chapters.indigo.ca/kobo-ereader/

On the Way

2011-06-27T19:48:00.000-07:00

Have never visited the prairies like this.
It's always been a passing through.
I'm super excited.
Fields.
Wheat.
Endless sky.
Of course the camera is packed.
Battery charged.
Extra memory cards - oh ya!
We'll see what I can gather
and share with all of you :)

Anti-Winter Photo-Collage

2011-06-22T18:57:00.001-07:00

Dear Aussie Friend,

I promised to bring you summer. It finally showed up!

Enjoy : )

Will you visit?

2011-06-22T18:32:00.000-07:00

For those who stop by here, why not check out our project!

Knowing Why

love my little guys

Great Finds...

glimmer

To drop one's jaw and wonder

Not Myself

Abundance of Books

Smile. Break your face if you have to.

Julie Andrews, ringing in my ear.

Story Board... first attempt

Dance

6 Word Memoires

Nothing More than to Go Back

Simplicity

Taking it in Strides

Beauty All Around Us

drowning

taking stock

Delight on the heels of Disappointment

Free Feeling

Saying it Just Right

A little something special

to do:

and so it sets in...

Where I stand

The Goal

gusts of wind between the ears

one small step

and she loved...

Christ is Born!!

Hall-iday Greetings

So easy to forget

and then there are days like this one....

Special Gift

Wish List:

- pedicure- 90 min jade stone massage - soaker tub- cheese cake - an evening of dancing with friends- a day off- someone else to write my Christmas cards- chickentotally within reason... isn't it?

getting lost

do and want and can

you're brain is clogged when...

tumble. tumble. splat.

stretched tight

Welcome to Winter!

good.

Thinking... and thinking....

A girl can dream can't she?

Here-and-there-and-Everywhere

Smile.

back in action

november.

to... from...

End of THE Week

More reasons to love Autumn!

Take it All In

Happy Birthday to We!!

Camp Shutter Sisters - attempted reflection.

new morning

knowing yourself

ocean potion!

the start of all things...

spoiled

in giving thanks...

Thanksgiving - Variation on a Theme

pain in the *ss

ha ha ha...

craving adventure

on the tin roof...

now what?

Dearly Departed

from the pages...

On the Appropriate Use and Function of Cows

Camp.

today

sunday evening well spent

pause. breathe.

History

Abandoned

Blessed Macrina

Weather or Not

Music on my Mind

open wide my heart

- pedicure
- 90 min jade stone massage
- soaker tub
- cheese cake
- an evening of dancing with friends
- a day off
- someone else to write my Christmas cards
- chicken

totally within reason... isn't it?