Perhaps it is the remembrance, perhaps it is recent events, perhaps it's this unsettling feeling inside of being left out, cast aside, hidden under the rubbish pile where I may one day be unearthed and remembered.
Now, it need be said I don't feel completely forgotten. This is not to discredit the small collection of people who see me and acknowledge my presence in this world beyond services rendered. But it is a constant struggle, made worse by social media, proclaiming and exhibiting the almighty 'Me' for everyone to like and 'heart' and acknowledge in some cursory fashion, and the propensity to withdraw and watch from the outside for fear of having to participate and fail in that.
For years it has been a constant dialogue, not knowing what elicited this internal unrest, this need to be acknowledged, seen, known, included. Someone at work liked to advertise my need to be the centre of attention; he missed the difference between wanting to be a part of something in an intimate way (meaning I am a valued, contributing member) and wanting to be the hero on the pedestal. I was the hero on the pedestal - 3 out of 4 times within the fiscal year - and it made me uncomfortable. His words always hurt when he uttered them, not because they were true, but because they so grievously represented me and the depth of my emotional needs.
Let's stop here for a second. Before you get all righteous on me and remind me that my emotional needs are this and that and the other thing, I know!!! *giggles* I know what they are and what they aren't, I know where they do and don't belong. But that doesn't mean they aren't there, that they don't need addressing - correcting, even! - or healing, more appropriately.
This is the Christian struggle - the true Christian struggle: healing of soul, if you're fortunate of body too. Whether a Christian with wealth or a Christian in poverty, a Christian with political freedom or a Christian under persecution, we all need healing of soul.
And yet, my petty, stupid, N. American, Gen-X, emotionally weak, uneducated self still yearns for worldly connection, to be invited to the party, to be known by those around me in a good way, who cries when she's left out or feels neglected. There is no sense of maligned hurt, only that she isn't important enough to be thought of and engaged.
I realize this sounds like an attention grab - golly it sure isn't! It's only sharing a struggle, one that is seen and known and fought blindly and with much internal flailing. It is to remind myself and other who may have similar struggles that I'm looking in all the wrong places for my sense of belonging and attachment - that I can only be filled and truly known by One: God. And when I am hurt by these feelings, to remember how much God wants to be first and foremost on my mental remembrance, and how often He doesn't even make the top 100, yet deserves more than any other to be #1... always....