dear nausea

you are a cruel and unruly master
and i hate you,
though not as much as your distant cousin, pain;
he's a slave-master of the most heinous kind.

normally your visits are short and tolerable
but this current stretch is becoming unacceptable.
your presence can be classified as disruptive,
and i want you to leave.
now.

next time you are talking with your cousin,
please be advised
that neither of you are welcome anymore.

sincerely,
me.

high score!

quiche for dinner.
only ever made it once and it was awful.  well... tolerable.... not the kind of thing one would want to eat again.  like egg soup without salt.  gag.
asked my mother for some tips (she makes FABULOUS food) and she suggested broth instead of milk.  so that's what i did.
oh yeah, score!!
he loved it. LOVED it

*happy dance*

then there was apple crisp for dessert.
wasn't really on my usual game and the crumble was getting dry.
no taste-testing either, just throw it together and see what happens.
uh huh, super score!!
he loved it.

that makes for an 11/10 dinner tonight.
which was pretty encouraging,
since our last few have barely made it past 7... ah well...

more wisdom from Ben Sirach...

We will say many things and not reach the end, but the sum of our words is seen in this: "He is the all."
How shall we ever be able to adequately praise him?  For he is greater than all his works.
Fearful is the Lord and exceedingly great, and wondrous is his power.
Glorify the Lord and exalt him as much as you are able, for he will surpass even that. 
And when you exalt him, put forth all your strength; do not grow weary, for you cannot exalt him enough.
Who has seen him and will describe him?  And who can magnify him as he truly is?
There are yet many hidden things greater than these, for we have seen but few of his works.
For the Lord made all things and gives wisdom to the godly.

- Wisdom of Sirach 43:27-33

daily reading (for Vic)

Missed 4 days of morning reading.
Boy can I feel it.

Here is the week's meditation as we reflect on the Life-Giving Cross:

Jesus has many lovers of his kingdom of heaven, but he has few bearers of his Cross. Many desire his consolation but few desire his tribulation.  He finds many comrades in eating and drinking, but he finds few who will be with him in his abstinence and fasting.

All men would joy with Christ, but few will suffer anything for Christ.  Many follow him to the breaking of his bread, for their bodily refreshment, but few will follow him to drink a draft of the chalice of his Passion.

Many honour his miracles, but few will follow the shame of his Cross and his other ignominies.  Many love Jesus as long as no adversity befalls them, and can praise and bless him whenever they receive any benefits from him, but if Jesus withdraws a little from them and forsakes them a bit, they soon fall into some great grumbling or excessive dejections or into open despair.

But those who love Jesus purely for himself,and not for their own profit or convenience, bless him as heartily in temptation and tribulation and in all other adversities as they do in time of consolation.

Oh, how much more may the love of Jesus do for the help of a soul if it is pure and clean, not mixed with any inordinate love of itself!

- Selected passages from Thomas à Kempis Imitation Of Christ

When everything "goes for a toss"

One of our managers at work has an expression that I have come to adopt: go for a toss
If you're not quite sure what to make of it, it means when everything goes to s**t; essentially, when things fall apart, break down.

For the last 2 weeks I had been diligently working on a morning routine of meditative reading.  It was going well.  There was an inner peace, almost rest, from the little struggles that had been building up.  Quite refreshing indeed, to the extent that I could consider this as a normal way to start the day and not something out of the ordinary, or temporal. Was feeling pretty good about myself.

Open door: enter Pride.

At the first opportunity to fight against my regular inclinations using the fruit of this new practice, everything went for a toss.  And I failed.  Again. 

It's hard not to beat yourself up in those times; to still the berating voice that repeats over and over again how stupid you are, what a screw up, you'll never amount to anything, or - and this is almost worse - why bother fighting at all, it's pointless.

Dangerous waters, indeed.

We combat pride with humility.  In this particular instance, I am right, though did not deal with it rightly and must learn to muzzle my trap and give opportunity for the other to work out their own issues.  Tearing the other person down does not bring healing or restoration, but adds hurt to hurt, and multiplies suffering. 

I must counter anger with love and a measure of understanding, since we all struggle with shortcomings and failures to set aright our hearts.  None of us is immune to sin, not one.

In the end, no matter what arose, the best and first response should have been to cry out to God for guidance, strength and wisdom to tread this path safely, and trust he will get me through to a place where I am again made whole and complete.

Happy Birthday to She

This time last year I was visiting her for her birthday - and what fun we had!!

Wish I could be there with her again, to celebrate and give her a day full of smiles.

indescision

unexpected circumstances have allowed the opportunity to attend camp again
immediately, a mental marking of the calendar was done. 
the initial thought was SO exciting.
to the extent that the excitement elevated my heart-rate to such a point it made me dizzy.

and then another thought began.

this will be a lot of money.  even though it's available, it's still a lot. 
to spend on just me. 
to not have any of those who are nearest and dearest participating as well.

you must understand, i have no qualms about doing things for myself when needed - definitely not!!  the question arises, though: is this really needed this year?  certainly it was last year and has begun a number of wonderful relationships and inspired skills. 

but in this time and place, is it needed again?  it is certainly desired.

i am reminded that our desires and our needs aren't always the same.  i desire cheesecake (frequently!) but if i were to give in every time the desire arose, well, let's just say the pursuit of health would be null & void!

another truth rings out as a reminder too: i was designed to share joy with those closest to me.  maybe other people aren't wired that way, and that's fine.  but for me, experiences are elevated when they can be shared with those who are close; when they are not isolated and left to my own memory after all is said and done, and to feel separate from those who are left behind, so to speak; when we can "remember when..." and smile and enjoy the reliving together.

in addition to that, my husband put forth the challenge to decide whether this is going to go somewhere professionally (as in, the photography) or is it just for play.  can i justify spending that amount on just play (he knows me so well!!!) or would i rather use the money for something else that i equally want and desire and will find joy in (and believe me, it's a looooong list).

as such, a new thought has come to mind.  actually, a few thoughts all interweaving and colliding and trying to take form.

will give them a few days to sit and soak, to take shape, to see what they have to offer, and to eventually make a decision, one way or the other.

i definitely want to see my friends again, the friends who were strangers at first and are now filling out into vibrant and energetic online presences, to laugh and play and point and click. at the same time, there are other pillars on which slow and diligent building has begun, and the investment in that may very well prove to be the better choice this time around.

we will see....

for the joy of flowers

they're just so bright and pretty
couldn't resist sharing them with you all!
a smack of spring colour.

was so very behind on the 365+1 project.
slowly working to get caught up.
the pictures have been taken!  they're around...
but they need PS love and care...
to make them what my vision says it wants them to be: art.

as such, i slog through hundreds of back-logged pictures, trying to remember what each day was and when and where and how and all that, then putting it all together to tell the story of "Live".

not to mention the Beyond Layers course... heavens...
we won't go there now. 
one thing at a time.